This day four years ago my sweet Logan left my arms and went into the arms of Jesus. There are days when it seems like so long ago. Then there are other days where I relive every second. That day is so ingrained in my mind, that it is literally like a slow motion moment in a movie. I remember weird things too. I remember siting in a rocking chair in the hallway outside of the ER room as they worked on Logan, and the thought going through my mind was that my flip-flops didn’t match my outfit. I kept thinking, “why did I put these on?” It was like my brain was short circuiting and not processing. Because in moments like that, who would really be worried about their shoes matching? It was a big deal for some reason. I remember the ER Doctor holding me up when he came out of the room bc I couldn’t stand when he delivered the news. I remember a nurse squeezing my neck trying to make me breathe bc I was sobbing so hard. I remember a little room where Chris and I sat just trying to grasp what was happening.
How we decided to leave the hospital is a memory I don’t have, I just remember walking by that horrible room and seeing that it was empty and it was awful, because I knew where they had taken him. I remember Chris walking in front of me with an empty car seat in his hands. I am not really sure why we had brought it to the hospital, it was probably just second nature to grab it. It was horrible though.
I remember asking the question over and over “what are we supposed to do?” All of a sudden everything had stopped. There was no more feeds every three hours, no more meds, no more diaper changes, no more turning down the lights at 9 p.m. And laying on the floor singing to my sweet precious son. In one instant everything as I had known it was over. What were we supposed to do?
The nightmares were awful, and many nights I would plead with the Lord to give me peaceful sleep. I would sit up suddenly in bed at 3 a.m and think “oh my goodness! I forgot to give Logan his heart meds!” Then I would start to cry because reality would hit.
The days turned to weeks, and the weeks to months. People went on with their lives just like they are supposed to do, but for us it was like we had to completely refigure out how to live again. It was SO hard. There are many things I have never shared about that time, and I don’t know that I ever can. What I can say is that God was so faithful to us. There were days where no one understood why we were acting the way we were, but our Heavenly Father knew and He was ALWAYS there. From the days when I felt like I could live again to the moments when I felt guilty because I laughed or had a good day. Yes, there was a lot of guilt on those days. That was one of the hard emotions to get through. How could I be happy? How could I have laughter come from my mouth?? Still God was there slowly guiding me and showing me that it was ok. He was gently letting me know that my joy and comfort were coming from Him. He was showing me that because of his peace I could truly move on. He was reassuring me everyday that Logan was fine. He was healthy and happy and having amazing adventures. Every day was another healing step.
So here we are four years later. The pain is still there. Sometimes just as overwhelming as the day it all happened . There are days I go through without even thinking about him, and yes, when I realize that there is guilt, and I feel horrible. But then I realize that it’s another step of healing. There are days where I miss him so much I cannot even move. Then there are days where I imagine him running and laughing. I wonder if David has taught him how to use a slingshot or if Joshua has told him the story of Jericho. I think of him fishing and building forts and just having the best time a little boy could ever have, and I smile and thank the Lord for heaven.
A couple of weeks ago we were in Colorado and Nate was having nose bleeds. I started using saline spray to help. He absolutely hated it. I knew it stung his little nose and throat. I would spray his nose and then hold him and say, “It’s ok. It will only hurt for a minute.” As I thought about those words, I began to think that maybe that was how God is comforting me. You see, He is eternal, therefore time isn’t really relevant to him; so this time on earth is merely the blink of an eye. My finite mind thinks that it will be forever before I see Logan again and the pain finally ceases. But God gently holds me and says, “It’s ok dear, sweet child, it will only hurt for a minute.”
I miss you more than words can say! I love you so much and I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again!!!